We’re happy you found us! We really are. It’s readers like you that make our site what it is! And we hope that you’re happy you found us, too! We also know that some of you aren’t, and we understand why you hate Psychic Bitch. We get where you’re coming from. We know that you’re all twitterpated about getting a free psychic reading. You submit your question, and you wait, and you wait… and it archives out. Maybe you try again, and maybe it archives out again—or maybe even worse, Batt Fastard gets hold of it and gives you a short, sharp, shock! What started out as something that made you excited and full of hope turned into a long story of frustration and hurt feelings. What went wrong—and even more important, how do you fix it so that it doesn’t happen again?
Don’t Ask for a Miracle
We’ve all seen the movies where the psychic predicts exactly what color car he’ll drive and when he’ll come into your life. The key there is movies. That’s Hollywood, and it doesn’t happen in real life. Yes, there are readers elsewhere who will take your money and fill your head with all kinds of false hope about his hair color or his star sign or when you’ll meet. You won’t find that kind of fluff here, though. We are real psychics, and we’ll tell you what we see. If you asked us to predict names, dates, hair color, star signs, or any other specifics, you’re going to get overlooked. Why? Because real psychic readings don’t work like that, and we’re fed up to the back teeth of being told we’re crap at what we do because we won’t buy into the Hollywood make-believe that so many charlatans portray. Rather than asking for those details, ask things like
- When are the best times for romance to come into my life?
- What’s the best way for me to go about meeting someone new?
- What do I need to do to draw love into my life?
These are questions that the psychics like to answer, and where we can really help you to get your love life back on track. They’re more likely to get our attention, and you’re more likely to get good advice that will actually work. After all, isn’t that why you’re writing?
Never Ask if You’re Pregnant—or Any Other Health Matter
That will get your question thrown out before it’s even published! Why? Because while there are very long and involved ways that pregnancy may show up in the tarot cards or your astrology chart or any other oracle, it’s not as reliable as a pregnancy stick from the dollar store. It’s faster for you to go get a stick and pee on it, so don’t waste your time or ours asking the question. Besides, this crosses over into a medical reading, and we’re not licensed or insured to do that. No one wants a lawsuit.
Don’t Forget the Details
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ll get a message, “Does he love me?” Does who love you? Who are you? Who’s he? Why do you think he loves you? Why do you think he doesn’t love you? Why is it important that he loves you? You wouldn’t go to McDonald’s and say “Sell me a sandwich.” You’d tell them what kind of sandwich you wanted, and what you wanted on it, and what you wanted with it. We need the same kind of details. We’re psychics. We’re clairvoyants (which means ‘clear seeing, not ‘fortune teller’). We’re diviners (which means ‘seer,’ not ‘mind reader’). There’s a lot of information in your birth chart, your numerology, your palmistry, and the tarot, but unless we know exactly what you’re asking, we can’t offer you the very best of our skills and services. You’ll get ignored if we’ve not got enough information to work with.
Don’t Ask about Your Soulmate
Chances are, that’s not the person you’re looking for, anyway. Soulmates, twinflames, twinrays, kindred spirits; these are all hype words used by the media to make things sound more important than they truly are. What happened to loving someone and being ecstatically happy; why is that not enough any more? “Oh, you’ve got a boyfriend, that’s nice, dear, but I’ve got a soulmate.” That’s not to say that some of these other woo-woo-out-there relationships don’t exist, but they’re not likely to be your life mate or your lover. Why? Because the very act of physical copulation grounds energy—and all these newfangled terms imply that the energy is somehow more important than that!! The readers on Psychic Bitch are so tired of all the hype and the drama and the excuses (“I’m married but I just met my soul mate” type of thing) so we tend to ignore it. Looking for love? We’re happy to help! But let’s be honest, and live in the real world, yeah?
Don’t Ask for Lottery Numbers
Yeah, right. If we could do that, do you think we’d actually be working for a living? There’s a reason that lottery numbers are unpredictable. It gets into quantum physics and multiverses and too much science to get into in this article. Just don’t do it. If you’re struggling financially, we can help, but the answer usually isn’t going to be a windfall. Rather than asking about lottery numbers, try things like
- Do you see when my financial situation might be improving?
- Is there anything I can do at the moment to start to turn my financial situation around?
- What am I missing, that might be an asset to my current financial situation?
These questions we can answer, and we’re happy to answer. Keep in mind that your finances aren’t suddenly going to start to sort themselves out just because you’ve written to a psychic saying you’ve got problems. You have to take responsibility—both in acknowledging your part in creating the issue, and for working towards a suitable solution. If you’re not prepared to work with us in order to turn your life around, then you’re only going to waste our time and yours, and create yet another reason as to why you hate Psychic Bitch.
Be Clear about What You’re Asking
“So, my son and I left my husband and moved in with my boyfriend. He got mad and now he’s not happy. He started drinking, and that made him even more mad. Now he wants us to go live somewhere else, and I don’t know what to do.”
Um, which he is he, see what I mean? The psychics over on Bitch are all professionals and they’re all great at what they do, but even they won’t be able to untangle that mess. If you’re worried about someone finding out—and there’s no reason to do so, the site has a fabulous security certificate, and any information you share is in the strictest confidence—then use a nickname or initials or something. Help us to help you, yeah? The more information you can provide (full name at birth, full date of birth, time and place of birth) the deeper we can get into things for you. We’re not just being nosy, we’re not hijacking your info. Date, time and place of birth is absolutely imperative for an accurate astrology reading. Date of birth and full name at birth is necessary for numerology. If you’re still uncomfortable sharing that information, then omit it and ask for tarot.
Don’t Play Test the Psychic
Don’t ask us things like, “What happened to me my junior year of high school.” Again, we’re not mind-readers or fortune-tellers and we don’t have the hyped up talents of the Hollywood stars. Questions like that are likely to get Batt Fastard on your heels, and his cynicism will fuel your fire as to why you hate Psychic Bitch! Remember, the more detail you provide, the more we can use our skills and talents to help you—which is what we’re all here to do. With a question like this one, if you’ve got a genuine concern, just word it differently. “My junior year of high school was particularly traumatic for me. I seemed to lose myself, somehow, and with that, many of my friends drifted away. I still don’t understand what was happening to me during that time. Can you help me make sense of it, please?
Don’t Send a Shopping List
“I want to know when I’ll fall in love and if I’ll change jobs and if I should go back to
school and whether I’ll ever have kids and should I move across the country and is the
blue car I’m looking to buy a good deal and what the winning lottery numbers are.”
That’s usually a good way to get overlooked, too. Not only do questions like that seem confused and lacking in focus, but most of the psychics will dismiss them as someone who’s being greedy. Choose the one thing that is the most important to you, the thing out of all of those queries which means the most, and ask that one question. There’s nothing to stop you asking more than one question in more than one submission. You’ve got a much better chance of getting ‘something’ answered if you do it one at a time than in one impatient and selfish run-on sentence.
Don’t Ask about Your Ex
We get it, we really do. Your ex has moved on and you’re still in love with them and wish things were the way they used to be. However, if you want to know when your ex is coming back, chances are your question will be ignored. If it is answered, you’ll probably get told something like ‘your ex is your ex for a reason.’ This isn’t to say you can’t ask questions pertaining to your love life, and if you and your ex are talking again and you want to know whether you’ve got a chance with that person this time around, then fine, ask that question.
- What do I need to do differently to give our relationship more of a chance this time?
- We’re really trying to make this work; are we a good match astrologically?
- What does the timing look like for us to deepen our relationship again?
I think you’ll agree that these questions look much better than just the vague, “My ex left, when are they coming back,” or even worse, “My ex remarried and has three children, now; when are they coming back to me!?” It’s all in how you word it—and you want to word it so you get answered, don’t you?
This goes without saying, or at least it should! We don’t mind being called ‘bitches,’ (hello, have you seen the site)—but demanding or begging that your question be answered, letting us know how many times your question has archived out when you resubmit it, asking your question with a sense of entitlement, asking a multitude of questions in one run-on sentence, submitting your question multiple times, complaining about a previous answer, or asking for a particular bitch in the public forum? Those are all turn-offs, and will probably get your question thrown out. It doesn’t cost anything to be kind, and the more nice and sincere your question comes over when it’s read, the greater the chances it will get answered.
So, there you have it, some basic tips on how to get Psychic Bitch to answer your question—or more reasons why you hate Psychic Bitch, depending on your point of view! And please, once your question is answered, think about taking the time to say thanks. All the psychics volunteer their skills here, because they all want to help you. Don’t like the answer (and yes, we know that many of you don’t like Batt Fastard’s answers because you think he’s too grumpy and blunt—but look past that, and see what he’s really saying, and you may just change your mind), fine! It’s free to get a reading and it’s free to be offended by it—and if you want to go off in a huff with more reasons why you hate Psychic Bitch, have at it, we’re not going to lose sleep over it. However, it’s a good idea not to snap back at the psychic when you’re angry—not reacting in anger is a good life lesson, anyway! Let things rest, and then revisit the answer. You don’t have to like it, but you may just see it with new eyes, too. Remember, though, that if you want to submit another question and get read by another psychic, you’d better not get uppity with the first reader. That will piss off Da Boss, and all your future questions will be tossed!
About Sarah Bellum
For a personal, empowering, and in-depth reading, please visit my site’s tarot page at SmartAsstrologer. Prices start at $12 for a Tarot Quickie which will give you an overview of the situation. Choose from Tarot , Astrology, Stones, or something else. “I’m here to help.”